After surviving a night of food poisoning in Bangkok, a day of Spa horror that left me Ronald McD, it was high time to kick things in gear and get ready for a visit from my special man friend. Boys, you might not know the lengths we go through to get things in line for you, but it involves a great deal of planning and preparation.
In fact, I do a bodily inventory to make sure everything’s in it’s proper place: mani, pedi, massage, hair did, and of course- eyebrows. The only missing piece of the puzzle was to get a leg and bikini wax hours before picking him up at the airport so that I would be silky like a Sultan’s bedsheets.
As Thailand is a country dedicated to spas, I imagined it would be super easy to find a place to get a fast wax – in and out in ten minutes. After the horrible spa experience the day before, I was a bit wary and decided to be pickier with the person who would be all up in my lady business.
run away while you can!
photo : Gran Velas Resort
Ladies who wax, you know that the experience isn’t usually that painful if the esthetician knows what she’s doing and is working with the right product. Hard wax clings to the hairs – not your skin- and rips that nasty fur coat off faster than you can say “ifeellikestevecarrellin40yearoldvirgin”. Since I wasn’t in the mood for masochism, I sought out a salon that could cater to my sensitive skin.
No Luck. In and out of ten salons who had only “roll on strip wax” which kind of feels like being caned. On my legs, I can tolerate it – but ain’t no one rolling honey on my hooha.
Finally, there was a glimmer of hope – across the street I saw a table of ladies who looked like they meant business. To hell with the traffic, I need a waxing STAT. Zigzagging through cars, barriers, and jumping over street rats I made it across six lanes of mid day traffic and arrived at my destination.
“Hi. I’d like to do waxing. Do you have hard wax?”
“Yes, hard wax okay! You pay 800 baht.”
In no mood to barter, I took it. “Legs and bikini 800 baht – hard wax?” I asked again.
“Yes okay, hard wax!” The lady in charge passed me off to a lady who didn’t speak any English, but smiled at me repeating “hard wax okay”.
I went into the salon, had a quick shower, jumped onto the table and laid a towel over my legs. It’s in your best interest to not think about what they’re doing down there while it’s happening, so I began daydreaming.
I was jolted from my peace and quiet by a massive blob of burning hot lava right over my love button, and her palm pressing a piece of fabric down with excessive force.
“OW! OW! OW! OW!” I scream while starting to fan myself.
The boss lady comes rushing into the room “too hot! too hot! this is not hard wax!”
“YESS this hot wax.. you want HOT WAX” oh. god.
“no- not HOT wax, HARD wax, no cloth, just wax”
“ohhhh. no. no have. can not.”
was it sugar wax – or lava?
photo : jurvetson
I looked at the wax she was using – sugar wax! She was applying it with a spatula that was slightly larger than two toothpicks, using a magnifying glass, two overhead lights and other contraptions.
Oh god, I think she just melted off part of my vagina. I needed that piece, too.
Suck it up, Brandy! There’s no time to waste between now and the airport.
I smiled, asked her to let the wax cool and laid down again. It can’t be worse than that initial feeling of fire.
You know what hurts? Waxing with a product that is inferior and way too hot. You know what hurts worse
than that? When they miss a hair and decide to re-wax that same place on your money maker.
“No, please, no – it’s okay. Don’t wax it two times – just once, I will take care of it.” I tried to sign to her that I needed at least a little bit of dermis left.
“Okayyy” she smiled, tossing baby powder around like it was a Holi Festival and maneuvering me into positions you usually have to pay extra for. What felt like 400 minutes of excruciating torture later, I had to call it quits – she was getting too carried away down there.
“Okay, it’s fine – thank you, I will just shave the rest off.” I gestured and tried to get up. Her hand on my chest kept me reclining. “Okay, okay. stay”
She came back with a razor. Oh no. Please. No- there’s no way she’s going to. Oh. yes. she. is.
There’s something about waxing that feels like there is a barrier between you and the esthetician, making it less awkward that they are doin’ work on your holiest of holies.
There is nothing between you and a stranger shaving your nether regions, except a whole lot of trust, fear, and self loathing for being too shy to say “um, please don’t drag that sharp object over my personal playground.”
Eventually, she released me from my painful captivity, and I ran to the restroom to get a good look at the situation. Red. Swollen. Ouchie.
The walk home was less than comfortable, and every step made me extremely aware of all the nerve endings in my panties.
Did I just pay someone to get S&M on me? I can’t believe she SHAVED me. Ugh. It makes me feel all uh-oh in my no-no.
The obvious cure for any humiliating story is to share it on the internet and wait for the commiseration to begin.
Have you ever had a waxing experience like that??
'Bent Over in Bangkok : The Bikini Wax (TMI)' have 17 comments
June 1, 2013 @ 10:13 pm Bethaney - Flashpacker Family
Ohhhhh Brandy!!!!!! OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 4, 2013 @ 4:04 pm brandy bell
girl, you’re telling me.
I’m happy to report there was no permanent damage – except to my psyche and my readers. hehe
June 3, 2013 @ 7:02 am Jeremy Foster
After reading this series, you have just become my new favorite blogger.
June 4, 2013 @ 4:03 pm brandy bell
I’m so honored– you’re making me blush – and with this sunburn and red hair — not suuuch a good look 😉
Just love your food tour of Greece – craving feta like whoa now.
June 4, 2013 @ 11:48 am Talon
I just don’t get why you ladies put yourself through this.
June 4, 2013 @ 4:00 pm brandy bell
I’ll tell you all about why on Bali 😉 but in a nutshell – silky. smooth.
June 4, 2013 @ 2:10 pm Heather
I’ve done waxing, but only on my lip. I’ve never tried the bikini shellac, and I’m so sorry but this post doesn’t really make me want to schedule my next appointment for this afternoon.
I did almost get talked into something my sister told me about called ‘bling your thing’. Yeah, for real.
Would this hide the red?
http://www.sugarmoonsalon.com/services/vagazzling
June 4, 2013 @ 3:58 pm brandy bell
YES, Heather – I just need to vajazzle this baby and then you’ll never be able to tell that I’ve had seven layers of skin removed.
Don’t let this horror story sway you from getting the Hollywood (as they call it here), it’s the best way to travel – never have to think about maintaining before throwing on a bikini!
July 26, 2013 @ 3:29 pm alex
oh I love you – thanks for sharing your woes in only the way Brandy Bell can. If you named this “Brandy Bell gets waxed” you’d probably get a whole new audience involved – yuck.
July 30, 2013 @ 1:09 am Dan
Hey Brandy care to share which specific shop you did your brazilian ? Thanks.
August 22, 2013 @ 2:38 pm SereneSpa89
If you want professional of Hollywood and Brazilian wax ,I would like to recommend Serene Spa Waxing & Massage. We use a hard wax and take a good care of cleaness and painless. More information you can find on Google. Take care xxx
December 4, 2013 @ 12:33 am Pasquale
This blog is well detailed felt like I was doing it LOL
BANGKOK city if spas yes true that QUANTITY NO QUALITY
again from massage to wax to barber shop is QUANTITY NO QUALITY they do everything but they do it bad I now decided to do everything by myself also stopped going to massage before football cause I get injury with their wrong massage all the time
May 5, 2014 @ 2:23 am Roger
Brandy,
Great story..for me to read. Obviously, not for you to experience. I started shaving my pubes when I was 16. Fast forward many years later and a few months ago started getting ingrown hairs. One of which, on my abdominal area, required medical attention! I decided after this if I wanted to remain smooth and clean as I have all my life, I would give waxing a shot.
I carefully sent emails, made phone calls and did my due diligence or so I thought, after deciding on a “reputable spa”.
I booked an appointment and nervously awaited “my time” with a female to get this taken care of. Keep in mind, I am not Gay and would rather have a female perform this task, rather than a male. This particular woman was in her late 20’s, she said she had been waxing for 11 years. I felt I was in good hands at this point, pun intended! I have to say that my chest and abs were by far the worst part of the waxing. However, she used warm strip wax techniques on my genitals. Not knowing any better I didn’t question her choice for my hair removal. When she made it to my scrotum and after multiple passes to get all the hairs off my scrotum was literally burning, during the treatment and a WEEK after the procedure! It took one week for the skin to go back to normal. The best way to describe it is my scrotum felt like a leather marble bag, instead of the silky smooth texture it would normally have. I also discovered multiple hairs left around and by my anus. Apparently, there are different methods used to get to the butt crack and anus from behind. The woman had me turn on my side and bring a leg up to do my butt waxing. Even I knew this would most likely leave hairs, but assumed (assuming can make an ass outta you and me..lol) she would know better. I have read and seen videos on line that show the embarrassing, yet most effective way to remove these hairs from one’s rear is getting on all fours whilst being waxed. On the plus side, I did feel especially nude while walking home and squeaky clean, even though my privates had been damaged. I have since gone to another woman for my full body wax (my second) as I am hooked now on waxing but at least now know what to look out for. Just thought I would share my first waxing experience from a males perspective.
May 15, 2014 @ 2:46 am Linda Bibb
My worst experience was in Panama, where I asked for a bikini wax and ended up with zero hair anywhere under my bikini bottom. This, after being very clear – in both Spanish and English – of exactly what service I was purchasing. Glad my hubby has a good sense of humor!
August 14, 2014 @ 9:05 pm Simon Brown
Owwwww. Finally found hard wax person in Bangkok, thought I ought to share – http://koichotikawaxing.com/ – dunno if they’re any good…
October 16, 2014 @ 1:25 pm brandy bell
thank you so much Simon! next time I am in Bangkok I will definitely check them out – no way am I trying my luck on “hot wax” again!
November 16, 2014 @ 9:42 am Karina
Hi! Can you tell me the name of the place so I won’t go in there as I am in Bkk searching for a good wax experience.